Skippy's Droppings

Skippy’s Droppings: When I first arrived at the Dookie United Footy Club I met a smart alec Kangaroo called Skippy. As a first year college student I copped a little bit of Skippy’s forked tongue from time to time but in general laughed at what he had to say about everybody else. Skippy’s main vehicle for comment was a newsletter produced for home games and purchased at the gate. Skippy generously donated the proceeds to the football trip, but, buying a copy was also brutally enforced by some of the older members of the club.

I had a few years away from Dookie and when I returned I noticed that Skippy had left leaving a gaping hole to fill with invective. Funnily enough so had a few of the players who seemed to think and write along similar lines to Skippy. With the funnier, original muses gone Skippy never reached the same heights as he had in the past. I did however manage to coax Skippy back for another season and he did pay for a few rounds on that years footy trip.

Looking back in the file I didn’t save too many, a case of burn after reading when the Roo gets going I guess.
*Some context in red has been added for the uninitiated

SKIPPY’S DROPPINGS

Following a long hiatus Skippy is back at Dooks to dish the dirt have some fun and hopefully shout a few drinks for the boys on the footy trip. Being a generous kind of Roo and despite being dropped from the clubs logo, all profits from this tome of wisdom will be donated to the boys getting on the fizz. Grass is scarce but free and with Mama Hedges keeping my pouch full of lollies don’t worry about old Skip going without to support the people he has offended.

First of all I’d like to quell any rumours about where I’ve been, truth is I’d moved to the big smoke to take my musings to a bigger audience, but after offending one too many people , well, you no doubt saw Skip with an arrow through the noggin on the news. So I’m back where I belong, and hoping Skippy is still the one marsupial the Dookie boys won’t shoot.

Last time your old chinaplate Skippy was at Dookie he did make some enemies with the sooky la la types. To avoid another crossbow attack I’d like to say if you are mentioned in this illustrious journal please take it in the manner it was meant, which is as good natured ribbing because your somebody Skippy feels deserves the honour of a mention.

*After a bloke wore tight shorts to training Skippy bounded on up to the Goldcoast last week to have a chat with an old cobber and 80’s icon the Whiz Capper. Capper wasn’t in his usual high spirits as a pair of shorts that he treasured had been stolen. Wocka said he never wore the shorts as they were a bit revealing even for him, (a man who has posed nude for playboy and flashed on T.V) but the Wiz treasured them as it was the only pair of red microscopic shorts ever made. Capper saw the suspect fleeing the scene in Malcom Young’s Bonds t-shirt circa ’75, the suspect apparently looked like TV’s Hotdogs. Skip showed Wocka a photo of Dooks beloved muckraker Chuck “captain cupcake” Edmonston, Capper said the suspect resembled a “poor mans” version of that bloke. On an unrelated topic why are people getting stuck into “pillows” Bullen about his training fashion, when Skip last attended a Dookie training the couple of brave blokes in tights were the object of ridicule, now it is the “Poor man” in the tight shorts, how times change.

*A couple of ordinary footballers liked to talk themselves up Skippy was interested to hear Muhammed Ali’s comments this week criticising Steve “Brucie’s mate” Lamb’s skiting, apparently the old slugger thought it was a bit much. On further questioning “Shakes” Ali did concede he is the second greatest behind “Socceroo” Lamb. Imagine if the slugger ever heard James Feeney in action after he troubled the stats-man.

*The chaser were in trouble for a bad taste joke, it was big news at the time -This joke about terminally ill children has been removed because the Chaser plagiarised it and this column only mentions fresh material-

*One bloke had too many beers Skip is not one to spread rumours, most stuff that Skip hears about is tucked safely in the pouch until confirmation, so there is no way I’ll repeat the mudslinging about Tom “Curly” Dickons“cider” pissing in a vase.

*A couple of the lads got in a punch up, one broke his hand Everybody’s favourite Roo is puzzling over everybody’s favourite blonde haired brothers whose last name rhymes with Splitto. How can two such mild mannered and polite boys continue to get in so much trouble when they head out for a night on the tiles. Skippy asked “my boy” Kitto who just smiled and said something about the incredible hulk effect of booze, while “other boy” Kitto said if old chalk hand drank more milk while growing up they would still be going now, Skippy is still confused.
*A young man had a month off drinking and then drank again The chairman of CUB has officially declared the economic crises to be over. After a month with plummeting profits and job layoffs a sharp sales spike on Saturday the 13th June has all brewers back in the black. In unrelated news Thomas “No handballs for” Dakis paid off his 20th aerial and could afford to get back on the jars at the presidents dinner. In true Caulfield style (where all great rum drinking ute driving barons come from) he celebrated mightily, although wasting good alcohol to water the garden via your stomach is frowned upon despite the drought.

*A fella had a wrestle with a bloke who had grey hair Johan “Zohan” Moylan is a favourite of Skippy’s and until Saturday he could do no wrong in Skippy’s beady black eyes. Skippy loves how YoYo plays football in fast forward- so he looks like he’s in a remake of the gods must be crazy, rocks up to play footy at any ground he likes whether the game is scheduled there or not, endlessly plugs his modelling website and hands out fashion tips (pink is the new black etc). But when he attacked an old pensioner “Silver Fox” at Katunga Skippy was shocked and disappointed. Maybe he caught a case of Kitsomotosis….get it Kitto’s got in a fight so Kitso ah forget it.

Another edition that was salvaged:
Welcome to Skippy’s abuse addition, It’s about time Skippy told it like it is. Finally a few home truths are going to be rammed home around here. If Skippy tells you to quit, it means you are too old or crap or both, if Skippy says your fat stop eating pudin’ If Skippy says nobody likes you, your mum doesn’t count. Rememebr if you get mentioned you have a right of reply, but if the reply is crap it won’t get printed. Deal with that.

*When a "footballer" announced he was going on a health kick following a photo in the newspaper. James “Blimp” Armstrong was disgusted at the sight of his double page, triple chinned spread in the News a couple of weeks back. While munching on a pie and drinking a stubby the “galloping gasomoter” told skip that he couldn’t understand how it got to this, he thought he was a strapping young lad prior to the photo. “Tuckshop Arms-trong” pointed out that he is always at training, even if sometimes a little late from working hard behind a computer all day and admittedly by the time the trainers get around his massive thighs training is usually over. “Jabba” Armstrong informed skip he was going to change his ways and a new slimmer version would soon be “rolled” out. Skip reckons if pies, beer and never shutting up were good ways to get fit James wouldn’t have got in this mess in the first place. Skip’d know ever seen a fat Roo?
*To get people off the scent Skippy has a go at himself Monster the waddling penguin is softer than AFL Dave. Since being made captain of the two’s ‘Farouk” has tried to lead from behind ala Freddie Mecury, do the club a favour and waddle in to retirement pug head.
*A bloke that played for us and happened to be Egyption started a lot of fights. Attacks on Egyptian footballers are on the rise. Dookie’s Marcus Oussa has joined Indian protesters in condemning the violence. The mild mannered Ouss just can’t understand why he is abused, punched and spat on weekly, “All I’m trying to do is play footy and get a couple of cheap shots away behind play but I just keep getting in strife.
*A man had to leave the field during a game to go to the toilet The sphincter is a muscle in the bum that controls the opening of your coit, or so Skippy has deducted from studying the real life social doco “Wayne’s World”. Unfortunately for Bruce last weekend he pulled a sphincter causing a major mudslide. Not even nappy san will save the away shorts and the less said about his Reg Grundies the better.

*Can't remember this Nathan Hauritz turning a ball? must have been halucinating It was a big week for blokes Skippy has been badmouthing with Hauritz finally turning one, Mark Webber not crashing, Steve Ludeman winning another game as coach, Nick Larry Emdur Boyd not being lynched for being hatless in public in a bad display of curls, Jezza “Bezza” Campbell making an umpiring decision, Oussa not getting punched, YOYo picking up, Sam Scott not dying of alcohol poisoning, Dale Heywood surviving a game of footy unscathed. If this keeps up droppings will be very short on material.

Good to see that Skippy’s spray about poor attendances at recent functions was heeded and the annual ball was once again a mammoth humdinger of a cracking good night. The girls all looked fantastic and the blokes proved that you can dress a goat in a suit but it will still act like a goat. There were some spectacular displays of blokes who shouldn’t drink, proof that it tastes better going down than coming back up and once again the GV hotel isn’t big enough to contain the Dookie boys on the tear. Would add more but Alcamahol doesn’t do much for a Roo’s memory.

*After somebody complained about not getting a mention….weird most people hated being in droppings. It takes a big Roo to apologise and to prove I am a bigger man than you lot I admit there was a gross error of judgment in a previous addition. It appears that the carnival was mentioned but the ringleader of the whole show was not. Sharon “I want an apology” Brown was quite rightly miffed about not making these illustrious pages. It was the biggest oversight since that film where they forget Mcauley Caulkin leaving him Home Alone. While Home Alone he maimed some robbers. I think the film was called ‘Take me on holidays you bastards’. Sorry readers I went off on a tangent there. Any way Skippy takes this opportunity to say I am truly sorry for not mentioning Sharon, and for going off on a tangent during the apology (if you’re counting that is three apologies). Skippy is however not sorry about misspelling Matttthew Kirrby, so while I am big enough to apologise I choose not to. If your name does not conform to the normal rules of grammar that is not my fault

. …And an edition with most of it deleted but this article survived:
Finchy (Mac daddy) on Saturday night, "I only get drunk when I drink" - What he meant to say was…actually who the hell knows what Macca is ever trying to say?
Suggestions for Look a likes, Beggsy - Billy Idol
Dicko - Mil Hanna
Monster - Furuk
Ryan Kearny - Browny (from Mallee)
Caulf - Richard Permewan

Another issue:
Skippy’s golden rule is the same as Gods, treat people and Roo’s as you would like to be treated. If Charles “What the Fks up chuck” Edmonston follows this rule he obviously hates himself.

Old Cupcake thought playing world cup soccer with Matt “Chinese Eyes” Thorpes and Ouss’ chandeliers in their new pad was a great way to get the party started. With glass shattered all across the floor Cupcake copped a fair old barrelling from his new housemates. Poor old “Cupcake” spent his first night at the new house whimpering with his tail between his legs curled up asleep in his car. Too scared to go back inside, Thorpey “feel the steel” is obviously one scary Eskimo.

*A comedian at a comedy day implied our captain really, really liked his own first cousins. Also, at the time this was written an insult at the club was your Mums your Dad, I still don’t know what it means. G’day Skipsters and welcome to what could be the very last Skippy’s ever. Like all good finales there is going to be some major bridge-burning in this edition. So strap yourselves in for some good old fashion piss-taking as your former mate and soon to be hopping crossbow target has a crack at all and sundry. Don’t worry if you think you, don’t think you, warrant a mention because everyone has a skeleton or ten in the closet. If you think you got away with something be reminded that this rampaging Roo can sniff a good story out. Very similar to how Lehmo can sniff out an inbreeding mountain man from an audience of sheep hasslers. Then Lehmo is from Adelaide so he might be able to sniff out his own kind?! It does go to show that anybody can hope to one day be the skipper at Dooks even if your Mums your Dad whatever, the hell that means.

*A bloke called Thorpey has funny eyes, but is Anglo Saxon, Skippy thought that was funny. True story: Garfield polished off his tenth cone for the morning so couldn’t open his eyes as wide as normal, Garfield put on his best thongs and went looking for some munchies but couldn’t go ten feet without being mistaken for Bang-bang Youdiono Thorpe. Garfield did get see through his squinty eyes what life as the only Aussie Eskimo was like and is not keen to go back.

*A bloke grew a goatee and it made him look like Chuck Chuck Norris is in Dookie starring as Woody Dookie Ranger. The man who beat the wall in tennis and counted to infinity twice is now stalking local fishermen to make sure they aren’t pulling fish out of the few puddles of water left in the district without a licence. Fisho’s are always seen as a heavy handed bunch but employing a bloke who the boogie man checks under his bed for is going a bit far.

*A lady used to bring a massive container of lollies to give the footballers, one week she rocked up in her husband’s semi and another week a bloke grabbed a handful of lollies after leaving the urinal. Due to popular demand Rosemary “Mumma” Hedges lolly-bucket has grown so huge that it now takes a prime-mover to get the bucket to the footy. The ever increasing popularity of the lollies is puzzling given “Pillows” Bullens urine soaked attempt to keep them all to himself.

More look alikes: Matty Walker looks like Tadhg Kennelly and Wallace of Wallace and Gromit fame.
Simon Berry with the new do looks like Adam Cooney and Bruce Willis.

*Bagging most of our players Skippy’s rhetorical quiz: Is Nathan “Benson” Hedges voice higher than “Soccer roo” Lambs? How many times will Lamby play on and pretend that he just doesn’t see (the leading forward and the opposition tackler)? What time does Gav Kitto go from mild mannered defender to bouncer punching nutcase? Is Weeman Morrison hungrier than Bezza Bewick Campbell in front of goal? Will they ever be as hungry as Chris “U turn” Ludeman? Will bat makers go broke if Sibs quits cricket and stops breaking bats? Why is Oussa less popular amongst PDFL rivals than Hitler? Does Doigy ever talk? Does Drunk Doigy ever shut up? When Rich puffs his cheeks is his face bigger than the Hindenberg airship pre explosion? Has a bigger man ever worn poofier shirts than Yao Ming? He succeded in cleaning the keyboard but did no handballs ever get the cream from his Green Daks? Just how hot are Beggsy’s cousins? Does Sam “Maxi” McKenna believe that you can’t drive on drugs because you fly? How many times has YoYo Boyter looked at himself on his modelling website? Is Rooster trying to clear the ball from the backline or send it into orbit? Does the brother of Rooster think he’ll turn into a pumpkin if he stays at the ground past the end of the seconds? Do the Geddessesss pick on brown headed cousins at Christmas? Just how early did Matty Walker have to get to Melbourne when he left the bench to have a shower? How come Farouk has a tiny head and six chins? Did Charlie cry when him and Wethers broke up and Wethers moved to Melbourne? Is YOYO Cupcakes rebound bloke? Is Jo of the YOJO couple jealous of Cupcake? Is Pillows jealous of Yoyo? Do you feel safer with Macca soon joining Eppsy in the armed forces for our protection? Are safety glasses redundant for Thorpey because he can’t open his eyes wide enough for anything to get in? Does Tuckshop know that training starts at 6? Will Sammy Scott lose his thumbs due to gambling debts or is kneecapping back in fashion for standover men?

Cup cake looks like Master Splinter of Ninja turtles,
Justin Is Chris off the Family Guy
Seamus is the sherminator,
Sibs is Casper

Quote of the week: Or should this be re-named stuff Macca said? After discovering that a horse and a donkey make a mule the fish dragon asked “What happens if a dog and a cat mate?” Skippy reckons that aside from a slightly miffed cat and a scratched up dog not much. It did make Skip wonder if you cross Larry Emdur with a black sheep do you get Boydy? no wonder he wears a hat.

That is all she wrote for Skippy! it has been a hectic year and Skippy was glad to see that despite being committed enough to have finally won a flag in ’07 some of the old shenanigans from the past continue to this day. Some people seemed to cop it regularly in Skippy’s little journal while others have escaped with more dignity than they deserve. But that is life folks, no one said it was fair. As this is the final act I will reveal Skips true identity for this season: Warrick Rainbird.